


Plants and Birds and Rocks and Things

by mizface



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-03 19:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14576223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mizface/pseuds/mizface
Summary: Phil Coulson walks into abardesert and meets... Hiram McDaniels





	1. Clint

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place immediately after Thor, and early on in Hiram's time in Night Vale. The fics go off of the premise that someone has met Hiram before - I just couldn't decide between Clint or Phil, so I wrote both. Also, please excuse the lack of a bar - Hiram wouldn't fit!
> 
> Thanks to my braintwin Hazelwho for looking this over, and thinking both versions were worth posting :)

Once the clean-up was smoothly underway (and what turned out to be an _Asgardian god_ was dealt with), Phil realized he hadn’t seen Clint in a worrying amount of time.

A quick trip to the command center and a ping from Clint’s tracker revealed that he’d made his way into the desert for who knew what reasons. Phil sighed, looking down at his suit. Great for being a voice of authority, not so great for treks in the sun and heat. Gathering a field kit and extra water bottles, he started making his way toward his wayward husband.

About a mile into the walk, Phil saw an outcropping of stone ahead that had to be where Clint was, so he made his way there. As he approached, he heard voices, none recognizable as Clint’s.

“THIS OUTRAGE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED! I WILL BURN THIS WORLD TO THE GROUND!” was all he needed to hear before he had his gun drawn, supplies quietly dropped behind some rocks, in the shade of a stone overhang. He crept as quickly and silently as he could toward the sound of the voice.

“Now, now, let’s not be so hasty,” he heard someone drawl. “It’s not so bad as all that.”

“There’s an 89.45% chance of defeat unless we take action now,” another person interjected.

“Is it even worth trying?” bemoaned another. Phil was rooting for everyone to listen to that guy. He edged along the rocks, finally getting close enough to peer around the corner. And nearly dropped his gun in shock. He must have made some kind of sound, because he found himself suddenly looking into six pairs of eyes. Clint accounted for one pair – the rest belonged to what appeared to be a five-headed dragon.

“Phil!” Clint called out, smiling widely. He got up from where he’d been sitting, putting down the playing cards he’d been holding. Phil offhandedly noted they were the battered deck Clint had carried around for years. “Hey, c’mere. There’s someones you should meet. “

“He has a gun!” the purple head hissed. “Why does he have a gun?”

“THAT RIDICULOUS WEAPON CANNOT HARM US!” the green head sneered.

“Yeah, you won’t be needing that,” Clint said gesturing toward the gun still held limply in Phil’s hand.

Phil just stood there. While he was pretty good at projecting an image as being the perfectly unflappable agent, it had been a long day. Gods, metal monsters, and now a dragon that apparently his husband knew well enough to play cards with. It was a lot.

Clint must have recognized it, because he came to Phil’s side immediately, his smile morphing to a look of concern. “You okay, babe?”

“YOU KNOW THIS PATHETIC MORTAL, CLINTON?” bellowed the dragon’s green head.

“Of course I do,” Clint called back, taking Phil’s gun and holstering it, then threading his fingers through Phil’s to lead him closer. “This is my husband, Agent Phil Coulson. Phil, this is Hiram McDaniels.”

“Pleased to meet you,” the gold head said with what Phil hoped was a smile. He’d never met a dragon before, so really, it was fair that he wasn’t sure. Hiram towered over them; Phil estimated it was around 18 feet tall. “And congratulations, Clint,” it. He? They? added.

“The congratulations may be short-lived,” the blue head stated, tone business-like. “After all, over 50% of human marriages are doomed to failure.”

“Better to have loved and lost,” the gray head said with a heavy sigh.

“IF THIS TINY HUMAN BREAKS CLINTON BARTON’S HEART, HE WILL LOSE HIS LIFE!” Green shouted, glaring down at Phil.

“Cut it out, guys,” Clint said, rolling his eyes. “We’re good. Phil’s the best. No shovel talk required.”

“But you caring enough to give one is appreciated,” Phil added, finally able to speak. He meant it; anyone or anything who cared about Clint enough to defend him was good in Phil’s book, until proven otherwise. Even, it seemed, huge multi-headed/multi-personalitied dragons. “I take it you’ve known Clint for awhile.”

“We met at Carson’s,” Clint confirmed with a nod. “Hiram traveled with us for a bit. Kind of grew up together.”

“Until we were _forced_ to leave,” Purple said.

“It was fine when they were smaller,” Clint explained. “But once they got to be this size, the animals were too spooked for them to stay.”

“That’s unfortunate,” Phil said.

“Tell me about it. Having Hiram around meant none of the townies ever bothered us.”

Hiram ducked three of their heads (gold, purple and blue). The gray head drooped. Green however, perked up. “WE ATE ANYONE WHO DARED TRY.”

Clint’s eyes widened. “You don’t really mean that, right? You weren’t eating people?”

Hiram shrugged. “Seemed like a pretty efficient way to protect y’all,” Gold replied. “But Mr. Carson definitely didn’t see it that way. That’s really why we had to leave.”

“We never fit in,” Gray sniffled, stretching its long neck to lay its head despondently on a rock.

“Okay, filing the people-eating thing away forever,” Clint said with a shudder.

“I hate to ask,” Phil started, bracing himself for the answer and not really sure what to do if the one he got was the one he didn’t want, “but is that why you’re here now?”

Gold laughed. “To eat people? Naw, we don’t really do that anymore. We came for the show, same as you.”

“The show?”

“Hiram saw Thor’s arrival, came to see what was up,” Clint explained.

“Is that what you were talking about when I got here?” Phil asked. “I didn’t get the context, but I distinctly heard something about burning the world to the ground.”

Clint looked confused for a moment, then shook his head, chuckling. “That was because _some_ dragons are very sore losers.” He gestured toward the cards on the ground. “We were playing cards, and despite being cheating cheaters who use their extra heads to cheat, I was winning.”

“Cheaters never prosper,” Purple intoned primly.

“And you knew Hiram was here how exactly?”

“I didn’t know when we got here, or I would have said something. But I maybe saw them land around the same time that big metal monstrosity arrived. At which point it was too crazy to tell you. And then you were really busy with the clean-up, so…”

“So you thought coming out here without any back-up – or any indication where you were going or why - was a good idea?”

“Well when you put it that way, it just sounds bad,” Clint joked, but Phil was having none of it. Clint knew him well enough to pick up on that right away.

“So,” Clint said, rubbing the back of his neck, “how much trouble am I in for all of this?”

“For not telling me you know a literal five-headed dragon? Honestly, until today I’m not sure I would have believed it. For not telling anyone where you were going? That’s going to cost you.”

“Come on now, Phil, you can’t be too hard on ol’ Hawkeye here. And not because any of us would destroy you, because we wouldn’t,” Gold said, shooting a look at Green, who glared but nodded after a moment.

“No, Phil's right to be upset,” Clint answered. “He's the agent in charge of the mission, and I definitely didn't follow protocol coming out here to see you.”

Phil couldn't help the slight upturn of his lips at that; hearing Clint admit he'd gone about this the wrong was without Phil having to push was a nice surprise.

“I'm sure you were concerned for their safety,” he said. If Clint was willing to give, so was Phil.

“Yeah, there was that too. I mean, normally I'd trust people to listen, to you if not me, but this has been a freaky-ass kind of day.”

“That's putting it mildly.” Phil and Clint shared a smile, and then Phil turned his attention back to Hiram. “So now that the show's over, what are your plans?”

“He wants us to go away,” Gray said, sighing heavily.

“The longer we're out here the higher the probability that we become a target,” Blue stated. 

“And you heard Clint – they won't be able to protect us,” Purple added, voice shaky. “They might try to hurt us, or take us away for experimentation!”

“LET THEM TRY!” Green shouted, and Phil was pretty sure he sounded hopeful for the prospect.

“Now now now, no more of that, everyone,” Gold said, voice calm. “Phil, we'd love to visit awhile longer, been a long time since we've seen Clint after all. But we understand that it's probably not the best time. So how's about we say our goodbyes for now, but you two promise to come visit as soon as you can?”

Clint nodded, smiling widely. “That sounds like an excellent plan. Phil and I are due a couple of days off after all this.” He gave Phil a pleading look. “We are, right?”

“I'll see what I can arrange,” Phil replied. Explaining this to Nick would be interesting to say the least. After all the crap he had to put up with with Stark, Phil looked forward to it. “Where will we find you, Hiram?”

“Not too far from here, actually. Y'all ever hear of a place called Night Vale?”


	2. Phil

The clean-up was finally underway, Thor (actual god of thunder Thor!) was being remarkably cooperative for someone they'd held prisoner not too long before, Doctors Foster and Selvig were working alongside SHIELD personnel, and Ms. Lewis was... well, mostly she was spending her time either flirting with the agents or glaring at him, which seemed to be the best he could hope for.

Phil had thought the break from Tony Stark would be a good thing. Now he just wanted to get out of the desert (preferably with Clint) before things got any stranger. Given where they were, Phil knew it was a distinct possibility.

But when Phil asked after Clint, the last people to see him could only say that he “saw something in the distance and ran after it. Probably a weird cactus.” Phil made a mental note to have the agents undergo some safety and chain of command reviews when they returned to headquarters. Preferably with the most annoying class of baby agents he could find. He also made a note to not let Clint find out – he didn't like it when Phil defended his honor, even though he was a high-ranking agent and deserved the respect.  
But all that was for later. Right now, Phil needed to find Clint. Because whatever he saw out in the desert, if it had him chasing it down it wasn't just some random odd local flora. And it most certainly wasn't harmless.

Phil heard the the voice booming out into the desert air well before seeing anything, and was mildly surprised that it was one that he recognized. He ran toward the sound, sure Clint would be there and hoping to get there before Clint did something he'd regret.

Soon enough, he'd caught up to Clint, back against a rock outcropping, bow on the ground beside him (luckily undamaged, which should make the situation easier to defuse). Towering over him and pinning him there with a look, or to be more precise, several looks, was a five-headed dragon. The green head was currently shouting at Clint.

“YOUR TINY POINTED STICKS ARE NO MATCH FOR OUR MIGHT! WE SHALL BURN YOU TO ASH AND SCATTER YOU TO THE WINDS.”

When the other heads said nothing, Phil stepped into view. 

He stood there calmly as all five heads and Clint turned to face him.

“Phil, get out of here!” Clint shouted. “I know you're badass, but you're no match for an Asgardian monster!”

Phil stood his ground as he calmly addressed the dragon. “You seem to be a long way from home.”

The gold head tilted, considering him, then grinned. “Well, if it isn’t Phil Coulson! Long time no see.”

“Hello Mr. McDaniels.” All five heads gave him a chastising look. “Hiram,” he corrected. “It has been awhile.”

“Haven’t changed a bit though, have you?”

“Of course he has, look at him.” the blue head chimed in. “His hair is thinner, his skin thinner, and he's 4 pounds heavier.”

“Four pounds?” Phil said, looking down at himself, then shrugged. “That actually isn't too bad.”

“Are you here to take us in?” the purple head asked, voice quivering and anxious.

“HE CANNOT MAKE US DO ANYTHING!” the green head shouted, a smug look on its draconian face. 

“But he could hurt us, or himself, trying, and that would be terrible,” the gray head said despondently.

“Come on now,” the gold head said, addressing the rest, “Phil here doesn't even work for the vague, yet menacing agency anymore, do you?”

“Well, the Agency I work for now isn’t so much vague as a mouthful, but I'm not actually here in an official capacity. I'm just trying to collect my wayward archer,” he nodded toward Clint, who was watching the exchange with wide, disbelieving eyes.

“So you know this guy, Phil?” Hiram's gold head asked.

“I kind of had the same question,” Clint interjected, his attention still on Hiram. “Don't suppose you could tell me what the hell's going on? Or, I don't know, vouch for me with your _friend_ the _dragon_?” 

Phil chastised himself for not taking care of that sooner. “You've been threatening Clint Barton, agent of SHIELD and world's greatest marksman. He also happens to be my husband.”

All five heads regarded Clint closely for a few moments, then backed away. Clint picked up his bow and checked it before moving to where Phil stood.

“Congratulations, Phil!” the gold head said with a smile. 

“We'll never find someone,” the gray head noted sadly.

“Hush now, this isn't about us,” the gold head said.

Phil waited to make sure no one else had anything to say before going on. “Clint, this is Hiram McDaniels. I met them a few years back when SHIELD had that short-lived agency exchange program.”

“I remember that. You came back even more badass than when you left, which I didn't think was possible.” “He leaned in and whispered, “It was really hot. Kind of still is.”

Phil resolutely ignored that comment for the time being. It would definitely be revisited later. “Well, once you've been to Night Vale, everywhere else seems pretty mundane.” He turned to address Hiram. “Speaking of which, I thought you were still there.”

“I was,” Hiram said with a shrug of their massive shoulders, “but you know how it is. Something comes in from another world, you just have to see it for yourself. Especially if it isn't in Night Vale.”

Phil nodded. “That does make sense.”

“WE WERE NOT IMPRESSED WITH THE PUNY MAN WITH HIS PUNY HAMMER. OR THE RIDICULOUS METAL SHELL HE FOUGHT. WE COULD HAVE DEFEATED THE CREATURE WITH EASE.”

“Or it could have turned us to ash!” the purple head argued, obviously distressed. “Or the hammer man could have crushed one of us!”

“Not that anyone would miss us if he had,” the gray head lamented.

“Trouble settling in?” Phil asked, hoping to divert their attention from Thor.

“Oh you know how it is,” the gold head replied. “Just haven’t quite figured out how to fit in. Not sure they trust us. And it hasn't been that long.”

“Possibly not,” Phil conceded. Time definitely didn't work the same there. “You seem to have Cecil on your side, though. That counts for a lot.”

“Cecil?” Clint bumped shoulders with Phil. “Is that another dragon you just happen to know?”

“Cecil's the local radio personality in Night Vale,” Phil explained. 

“Wait, you mean that weird novelty show you listen to sometimes? That's not about a fictional place?”

“While I hesitate to use the word real when describing Night Vale, I will say it isn't imaginary. And Cecil's opinion holds a lot of weight.” He turned back to Hiram. “It's obvious that he's taken a liking to you. With his endorsement, I'm sure you could find something to do around town.”

“A job?”

Phil shrugged. “Or volunteer. That seems to have worked well for the Glow Cloud. In any case, I'm sure you can see that being here right now really isn't in your best interests. Everyone's a little too on edge for me to be able to guarantee your safety.”

“So we aren't welcome here either,” the gray head lamented.

“Unfortunately not, at least not right now. Do you need a diversion to be able to leave without notice?”

“Please say yes,” Clint said with a wicked little smile. “I'm an expert at diversions.”

Phil shot Clint a look, but his heart wasn't in it. If Clint was willing to make some mischief, he was back to his old self. And while Phil knew there would be a lot of questions for him to answer, he much preferred that to a quiet, freaked out Clint.

“If we leave in the next ten minutes the only ones who'll notice our departure will be Phil and Clint,” the blue head stated, tone matter-of-fact.

“AND THEY WILL SAY NOTHING.”

“There we go, no diversions needed, but thanks for the offer,” the gold head drawled.

“But what if this is our only chance to see them?” the purple head asked. “We didn't even get to know Clint? It isn't fair.”

“What if we came to see you sometime soon?” Phil asked. Clint turned and stared at him. “You've been wanting us to take time off.”

“And Night Vale's a good vacation spot?”

That was a fair question. “Well, it's certainly unique.”

“If you don't want to come, we'll understand,” the gray head told them, eyes shiny with what were probably tears. 

Phil knew that's what tipped Clint over to agreeing; he hated seeing anyone, or anything cry. Promise made, Hiram flew off into the desert sky, the setting sun glinting off its scales.

“Phil, confirm something for me. Did we just talk to a dragon?”

“We did.”

“And did we just agree to visit them when we vacation in their home town?”

“We did.”

Clint shook his head. “Okay then. Just wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy.”

“Oh, I never said you weren't,” Phil teased. “Lucky for you, it's my kind of crazy.”


End file.
